Funny Text Messages

• Mr. Bean felt so ill so the doctor gave him a tablet. He started cutting the sides of the tablet. Doc: Why are you cutting the sides? Mr. Bean: To avoid the side effects.

• As I stare outside my window looking at the pouring rain, I can’t stop thinking about, and wondering. Have you been singing again?

• Just a thought, money can’t buy happiness. But somehow, its more comfortable to cry inside a Mercedes than inside a tricycle.

• WIFE: Why are you so early today?
  HUSBAND: Well my boss lost his temper and shouted at me. He said, “Go to hell,” so I went home immediately.

• A traffic police pulled over a car for going through a traffic stop sign. The police recognized the driver as his former English teacher, “Mrs. Gonzales,” he said “those stop signs are periods, not commas.”

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Funny SMS Jokes 4

• First in Space:RUSSIAN: We were the first in space.
  AMERICAN: We were the first in the moon.
  FILIPINO: We will be the first in the sun.
  AMERICAN: No, you cannot land in the sun. It’s too hot!
  FILIPINO: It’s very simple. We will go their at night.

• MINNIE: Dear, I see your cough is better this morning?
  ADAN: Why not? I’ve been practicing all night.

• A Chinese walked into a bar and talked to the black bartender, 'I’ll have a jigger nigger.' You weren’t trying to insult me, were you pal?' asked the bartender. The Chinese assured him to the contrary. 'Then let’s change places, 'Suggested the bartender. They did and the black walked up the bar and said, 'Gimme a drink, chink.' The Chinese replied, 'Sorry, we don’t serve niggers.'

• ROMMEL: what did Rodel say when he fell off the ladder?
  WENG: Shall I leave out the bad words?
  ROMMEL: of course.
  WENG: Nothing!

• GUEST SPEAKER: Let us define some terms before we proceed. What is a good manager?
  EMPLOYEE 1: One who shows profit.
  GUEST SPEAKER: What do you call a manager who shows losses?
  EMPLOYEE 2: An EX-MANAGER.

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Funny SMS Jokes 3

• First in space: Russian: we were the first in space. AMERICAN: we were the first in the moon. FILIPINO: We will be the first in the sun. AMERICAN: No, you cannot land in the sun, it’s too hot! FILIPINO: it’s very simple; we will go there at night.

• SON: Dad, can you write in the dark? DADDY: I think so. What is it you want me to write? SON: your signature on my report card.

• Dying Woman: Father, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered at the mall.
  PRIEST: why at the mall?
  DYING WEOMAN: that way, I know my daughter will visit me every week.

• EMPLOYER: In this job, we need someone who is responsible.
  APPLICANT: I’m the person you’re looking for, in my last job, overtime something went wrong, and they said I was responsible.

• A little boy went to his father and asked: 'Papa, where did all my intelligence come from?' the father replied: 'well, son, you might have gotten it from your mother, ‘cause I still have mine.'

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Yo Mama SMS Jokes

• Yo mama is so fat that the way she farts, Al Gore chooses her as a global warming.

• Yo mama is so ghetto when she breast feeds, cool aid comes out.

• Yo mama is so stupid she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

• Yo mama is so hairy that the only language she speaks is Wookie.

• Yo mama’s titties is smaller than yours.

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Funny SMS Jokes 2

• I have to ask you something important.. I have a problem, I need your honesty. Theres this thing thats bothering me and i think youre the right person to be asked.. Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

• Newsflash: Yesterday, there was a Nun jogging at the park and was raped! After that day, there was hundred of Nuns jogging in the park.

• When God created music, there was your voice. When God created happiness, there was you. When god created cuteness, smartness and good looks.. I was there. Where were you that time?

• In a japanese restaurant..
  Customer: Give me "ta-keho-me"
  Waiter: Sir?is it take home?

• Sinner: father, forgive me for i have sinned. I'm sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and graphics from my cellphone.
  Priest: My child..can we be textmates?

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Funny SMS Jokes

• NEWTON's 4th LAW: The last drop of male urine does not obey the law of gravity unless... SHAKEN.

• Why dont cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny!

• why do women wear tampons when they skydive? So they dont whistle on the way down.

• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

• How can a woman tell is shes flat chested? She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.

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Funny SMS Quotes

• On the first anniversary of marriage: Husband speaks and the Wife hears. On the second anniversary of marriage: wife speaks and husband hears. On the third anniversary of marriage: Both husband and wife speak, and the neighbors hear!

• Newly-married guy: Sweetheart, would you still marry me even if my father hadnt left me a fortune?
  Newly-married girl: Honey i would still marry you no matter wh left you a fortune.

• What is the difference between single menn and married men? Well, married men live longer than single men do, but married men are also a lot more willing to die.

• Jimbo is walking down Baywalk one early morning when a holdupper suddenly emerges from the coconut palms, pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!?". Jimbo Looks at him puzzled and a long silence follows. "Your money or your life?!" the holdupper repeats. The holdupper is impatient and complains, "What taking you so long?" Finally Jimbo says "Im thinking, Im thinking!"
  

• Smart boss + smart employee = profit
  Smart boss + dumb employee = production
  dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
  dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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Pinoy Text Jokes 2

• Jon: Pare, ang ganda ng ngipin mo a! parang exam.
  Dong: bakit naman?
  Jon: One seat apart, hahaha...
  Dong: Ikaw din naman ah!
  Jon: Baket?
  Dong: Fill in the blanks! HAHAHAHA....

• TATAY: bagsak ka naman?bat d mo gayahin c Pedro? Palaging Honor!
  SON: Unfair namang ikumpara nyo ako kay pedro..
  TATAY: Bakit naman?
  SON: matalino kaya Tatay nun.

• Matamis man ang pakwan, mas matamis pa rin di hamak ang nakilala, minahal, niligawan, hinalikan, at nyakap bago nag pa KWAN.

• Pedro bumps a Foreigner:
  Pedro: ay sorry
  Foreigner: sorry 2
  P:sorry 3
  F: wat are you sorry 4?
  P:(kala mo bobo ako ha) sorry 5
  F: I think your SICK
  P: haha..SICK daw, SIX tange!

• Sa mental may isang baliw na kumakanta habang nakahiga sa kama. Tumigil ito at dumapa, kumanta ulet. nagtaka ang nurse at tinanong,
  Nurse: bat ka bumaliktad?
  baliw: Tanga, side B na! baliw ka ba?

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Pinoy Text Jokes

Ang Pasyente...
NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

Frog Prince???
FROG: what does my future hold?
fairy: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
fairy: no. in biology class

things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
- san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
- 10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
- doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
- kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
- sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!

Technical...
BOY: I know we are also matter we can't occupy the same space at the same time. Kaya aalis na lang ako.
GIRL: bakit ganun para tayong mga parallel lines, why can't we meet at the same point?
BOY: your verbs and actions are not correct that's why all of the subjects are affected.
GIRL: ayoko na. you've reached my boiling point. And now my heart is getting to its freezing point!

inspiring quote of the day:
"hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."

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